I sit idly by trying to count the

number of days I've been locked away

My mind tends to wander to the deepest of my memories

It seems to be the only form of

movement my body gets anymore

I've managed to project these thoughts onto these walls

I call them portraits but to others

they're just sad excuses for living

I see them as an escape

a reason to keep on trying even though some of

these thoughts push me to the brink of crying

I am confident that I'll find my way out

and I'll be reunited with the life I almost lost

At least that seems to be the plan

And we all know how plans end up

And although I keep these portraits as positive as I can

There seems to be a leak of negativity

that seeps into the cracks

You may not be able to see them very well

it takes a special skill of self-hatred

to pinpoint such a flawed design

Just stand back a bit

and I promise everything will look fine

It only takes some distance for you to

realize your problems can't be seen anymore

Which seems to be my philosophy

on life ever since I can remember

But what's the purpose of these thoughts

when I spent my whole life trying to forget?

I just stood idly by watching as my life

just walked to the other side of hope

Where there seems to be no return

I owed it to my family to make a better life for myself

You can call me a liar but I'll just point you to

this imaginary picture on this hallucinative shelf

Look, here, here's a picture where everyone

was smiling at just the right time

But it all means nothing when half those smiles were faked

And look at me, there in the corner

wearing the brightest mask of all

I hid it well, I made sure to keep my book

as closed as I could and it paid off

oh how it paid off so well

I hid my true thoughts in the chapters

of my life where I was most alone

An autobiography that never made it to print

So you'll never know of the pains

I faced on every waking day